Trust has always been difficult for me, its probably my autism again; but to be perfectly frank my mother hasn’t helped. Not her fault but like many parents; myself definitely included, my mother has tried to protect me from possible harm. I love her for it but I think she may be wrong this time.
I have always thought trust was more important than being hurt some times. I say thought quite deliberately because I don’t feel trustful.
I act according to my thoughts if someone tells me a sad story and asks for help and I can afford it I help; this is not an invitation because frankly con men what I can afford at the moment is pitiful. I reason that the risk of leaving someone without a way home or a drink is not worth the embarrassment of being fooled.
After all being tricked isn’t so bad, but is it? This is why I don’t like haggling; I either can afford it or not, I don’t like the winner/loser aspect and I hate being thought a fool or weak, but I hate taking advantage most of all, for me there is no win for me in a haggle.
But it really hurts in my personal life. I’ve been married 24 years, 4 kids, he waits on me hand & foot and buys me great presents all the time (extremely cheap or homemade but fantastic). But I can’t help but feel its too good to be true, that right now he is planning a way out of this hell he finds himself in. This is the person I am closest to on earth; & yet I still doubt him.
My autism doesn’t help, I’ve extensively studied body language and psychology, I can tell you things about the people around you that you would never guess! But I have also learned there is something else going on. In any group of neurotypical (normal) people there is communication going on that is not explained by verbal or body language and yet they all ‘get it’, I don’t.
So I know there are important messages I don’t get and that I am not able to convey to others that I am joking or upset properly. I become talkative when anxious (you know like when I’m awake) and I don’t have the right boundaries, I don’t really understand them. So this doesn’t help my confidence in social situations.
I also fall in love (in the close friendship sense) fast. I have an incredible feeling of wanting to bond quickly with people I like, maybe I feel I have to impress them quickly before I do something stupid. This has happened on this blog too. I feel really drawn to a lot of the people I am communicating with. Again friendship; I’m deliriously happy married to my perfect angel I’m just worried he’s not happy.
Now the crux of the problem; I have lost a lot of friends because I have been trying not to impose on them. I don’t contact them in case I’m being pushy, I try not to take up to much of their time, I draw the boundaries to tight & they feel I’m pushing them away, I decide I’ve embarrassed myself & they now hate me & absent myself to save them the trouble.
Because politeness and being nice means there is no clear way to communicate ‘bug off weirdo’, so I assume it. Some autistic people admittedly assume the opposite and can be really annoying to polite people who don’t know how easy it is to set perimeters with your autistic friend, say something calming, say exactly what you want, check f that works for them and negotiate until you are both happy; this is not done in our society as far as I can tell.
My mother feels that many bloggers are probably scammers. So I’m feeling an agony of humiliation every time I comment on posts. I think if I’m going to continue I need to because that’s what this is about. And I don’t think I really mind being conned, but I live in fear of hurting people or annoying them.
I don’t know why I wrote all this, quite frankly I don’t know why I write a lot of things. Maybe this will explain some of my interactions. Please leave comments, real comments if you have them; I am more resilient than I sound with an honest criticism, and as I have said I have no real boundaries so I couldn’t care less if you break conventional polite limits.
I really love you guys, I have never reached so hard towards potential friends. But as my husband would tell you, you can’t break my heart I don’t have one, and you can’t upset me, I have a cavalier.
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