Melt down, Update

First; an introduction; Mum’s dogs joined us in the garden this evening.  They are rescue dogs, unknown parentage.  The white one is Marley (a boy) and the black one is a girl; Amber.  Marley rules my mother with a paw of iron, but he’s a sweetie.  Amber is the sweetest kissiest girl I’ve ever met.

Okay!  The crazy has died down.  I am still shaky, bruised and achy.  But comparing this meltdown to the last of similar emotional intensity.

• I did not fall down.
• I did not break the skin, biting or scratching.
• No blood blisters or complex bruises.
• No damaged belongings or clothes.
• My flailing was area restricted; I couldn’t stop the movement but I could reduce the arc.
• I didn’t scream at anyone.

And the last time the aftermath was so much worse.

• Last time I wouldn’t talk to people outside the immediate family for days, and avoided professionals for over a month.  I would hide in the bathroom when people came to see the kids.  This time I blogged that night & talked to my psychologist today, didn’t put off my support coordination review (this afternoon) and I talked to the woman in Autism Association who organised getting the social security paperwork done.
• I’ve gone into the garden.
• I have eaten today without vomiting or choking, and it wasn’t fish fingers, potato & lemonade.  I ate normal food.
• I showered.  Normally that takes 4-6 days after a major upset.  Try not to judge I’m being honest.

So injuries and damage minimised, recovery incredible speed.  So I’m still making progress.

I think some of my frustration is now I can see a future.  I’m not so overwhelmed but then I hit limitations, physical, sensory and emotional.  I am doing so well compared to how I was a year ago.  But when I look at my progress compared to normal people its ridiculous.  I can walk out my door with my husband at night & stay in my garden for 5 minutes, big deal.  But I haven’t been able to for 15 years.  Well if I can do 5 why can’t I do 10?  I don’t know?

Any way its good.  Setback but not much.  I was pushing myself too hard.  I don’t know.

 

Why am I writing all of this horrible stuff?

When we see a video of kids with Autism being out of control we don’t get the whole picture.  Rikki Ambrosius helped me with these ideas.

• Children can’t way up the pros & cons and make an informed decision about releasing this embarrassing information.
• I can explain what it felt like from the inside.
• I can tell people that I was struggling for control not letting myself go.
• I can provide contrast; woman can write using lots of big words & information,this same woman becomes a gurgling, flailing mess.
• We need support but in other areas we are worthy of respect.

Sad over now.  Pictures: