Melt down, Update

First; an introduction; Mum’s dogs joined us in the garden this evening.  They are rescue dogs, unknown parentage.  The white one is Marley (a boy) and the black one is a girl; Amber.  Marley rules my mother with a paw of iron, but he’s a sweetie.  Amber is the sweetest kissiest girl I’ve ever met.

Okay!  The crazy has died down.  I am still shaky, bruised and achy.  But comparing this meltdown to the last of similar emotional intensity.

  • I did not fall down.
  • I did not break the skin, biting or scratching.
  • No blood blisters or complex bruises.
  • No damaged belongings or clothes.
  • My flailing was area restricted; I couldn’t stop the movement but I could reduce the arc.
  • I didn’t scream at anyone.

And the last time the aftermath was so much worse.

  • Last time I wouldn’t talk to people outside the immediate family for days, and avoided professionals for over a month.  I would hide in the bathroom when people came to see the kids.  This time I blogged that night & talked to my psychologist today, didn’t put off my support coordination review (this afternoon) and I talked to the woman in Autism Association who organised getting the social security paperwork done.
  • I’ve gone into the garden.
  • I have eaten today without vomiting or choking, and it wasn’t fish fingers, potato & lemonade.  I ate normal food.
  • I showered.  Normally that takes 4-6 days after a major upset.  Try not to judge I’m being honest.

So injuries and damage minimised, recovery incredible speed.  So I’m still making progress.

I think some of my frustration is now I can see a future.  I’m not so overwhelmed but then I hit limitations, physical, sensory and emotional.  I am doing so well compared to how I was a year ago.  But when I look at my progress compared to normal people its ridiculous.  I can walk out my door with my husband at night & stay in my garden for 5 minutes, big deal.  But I haven’t been able to for 15 years.  Well if I can do 5 why can’t I do 10?  I don’t know?

Any way its good.  Setback but not much.  I was pushing myself too hard.  I don’t know.


Why am I writing all of this horrible stuff?

When we see a video of kids with Autism being out of control we don’t get the whole picture.  Rikki Ambrosius helped me with these ideas.

  • Children can’t way up the pros & cons and make an informed decision about releasing this embarrassing information.
  • I can explain what it felt like from the inside.
  • I can tell people that I was struggling for control not letting myself go.
  • I can provide contrast; woman can write using lots of big words & information,this same woman becomes a gurgling, flailing mess.
  • We need support but in other areas we are worthy of respect.

Sad over now.  Pictures:


Published by autistsix

An autistic woman married to an autistic man trying to raise 4 autistic daughters in a neurotypical world

8 thoughts on “Melt down, Update

  1. Five minutes outside is better than zero minutes outside. Have you ever thought about putting twinkly coloured lights outside for you, or even in the trees/plants maybe? I find such things very calming at times. Very glad to hear you are on the way back up, and people are rallying round to help.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Hi Tim. We have lots of beautiful solar powered lights through the garden I love night time with the coloured lights outside it is something I really miss hiding inside. And yes I’m getting lots of help & have given my support coordinator that card website to investigate, thanks for that. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I think the dogs must be a great help with their unconditional love. I also believe it’s great that you write out your “crazy” period. I think it’s good for you to do so and very brave. Oh, and I agree with Tim, five is a lot better than none-at-all. 🙂 Take care of the puppies! I look forward to your posts.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. The dogs are an incredible help. At the moment Charlie (Cavalier) is helping my youngest fall asleep, 2 hours at bedtime then he comes to bed with me. With him not her Cherise (Jack Chi) is kicking me on one side and Smokie (cat is kicking on the other). Thank you so much, your support means a lot.


  5. I’m late to the party with this comment, but I did want to post something on this thread. I am SO PROUD of you for sharing your experiences with us — even the meltdown. I’m glad you had the presence of mind to write a quick explanation on your arm to let those around you know what was going on. I hope it helped … I hope people that saw it stopped to put themselves in your shoes, if only for a split second. You are so brave to write about your experiences and share them with us in the search for understanding. You rock, and you are stronger than you think.

    Liked by 1 person

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