Of course I do. Everyone does. I hate rereading a piece until I hate every stupid word. I hate the futility of not being able to see my mistakes because I know what I meant.
But I really hate the wall I just hit.
Background: I know I am not that great a writer; but I don’t want to be a better writer if that means following the rules. You know what I mean, the rules of grammar and style, some of which are written in stone, some of them transient as fashion changes, but all at a particular point in time rigid and immovable.
I have read an awful lot of banal mediocrity that is written according to the rules. The final straw that made me give up writing at 17 was an introductory university text that showed badly written pieces rewritten following the rules. In every example I preferred the badly written pieces. I saw wild, emotion packed prose sucked into a sausage maker and regurgitated, sanitised into boring, pointless information.
I knew then I would never be a writer, some days I wish I had stayed that way.
BTW I just received an edit on my Anthology piece and I can’t stop crying.
The tweaks are minor and they are all right, as in correct. But as I watch word after word made normal, I feel a deep sense of loss. The quirky words, the exactness of meaning that I can see but readers would not understand, disappear replaced by common phrases and words. ‘Said’ is a pet hate, I hate using the word, there are so many variations each having a slightly different meaning, meanings that have been forgotten by some and were never known by most. I love words.
I think that is my problem; I love the words. Meanings, history, provenance; the tiny nuances that distinguish one word from another. Fantastic, fabulous, marvellous and great are not inter-changeable, despite the beliefs of the primary school teachers I have encountered.
I love words so much more than I love communicating. Betraying the words even by reducing precision makes me hate my readers.
I love the idea of having readers but what’s the point if I have to give up being quirky and … well, me.
But I hate those kind of people; I won’t change a word of my story because I am brilliant.
I look at the edits and I know they are right, but it feels less me. I know what I meant, I want what I meant to be there for readers like me more than I want to appeal to more readers.
I can’t be a hypocrite though. Where is the line?
And I don’t want to read that pablum again. I don’t know why I wrote it, I’ve lost interest in it, except I am depressed at the latest version. Maybe I don’t hate it as much as I thought. I am a lot more arrogant than I present myself. I read the corrected story and it reads as far more like other published work. Generic, normal, readable; I really think I am just being a b#@*$.
I hate normal, I hate life, I hate people.
I promised that I would do anything to not have to reread my stupid story again, and what do I care? I never have to read my sections of the anthology, and I know the editor knows more about writing than I do. I think I’m going to ‘accept all’ and just let it go.
I can write unedited nonsense on my blog where no one can stop me.
autistsix 
Unless it’s a grammar blog, something written in a conversational style is more interesting and easier to read. Personally, I, as an English major when I was a student at the university, typically write a stiff and correct draft, then go back and make it friendlier, more conversational. I look forward to the end result. I enjoy the process!
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I love your writing, very friendly. I have to admit I have a limited education in the formal aspects of writing; school changes and grade skipping combined with a few teachers with the attitude I seemed to know what I was doing meant I skipped a lot of grammar classes. And I think I’m too stubborn to learn. Give me science and maths I can’t stand rules that are subject to personal interpretation.
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It’s harder to write in a conversational style than a “proper English” one, so count yourself lucky! I enjoy what you write and find no reason for you to feel it is in anyway “wrong” or substandard.
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Thanks and I will continue to write my blog in my own crazy style. And may our mutual admiration society continue for many decades to come.
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But are successful writers called authors because they are bound by authorities.
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i dunno, i think the thing is to work on improving your writing, but dont tie it to a post. when an authority is right thats great, but what about when theyre wrong?
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another thing to consider here– do different cultures and different sorts of people prefer different writing styles?
if youre writing for a neurotypical audience then i suppose there are some useful conventions, but if youre writing for yourself or people like you, should the writing be different?
i have to believe there will always be compromise here– the conformists will always win in the short run. the nonconformists will (collectively) change the conventions, because we can tell that language changes.
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The piece I wrote was outside my preferred genre anyway. I think the anthology piece I will give in on and the blog will continue nonsensically. I may have been overtired.
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“the blog will continue nonsensically.”
victory! ❤
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😔
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I am so sorry, I mean, you shouldn’t be spying on me, I mean hello. Oopsy! This was all in the name of comedy? What’s my penance?
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Hang in there….You’ve got this! 😉
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My editor read the post, we worked it out. So its done with all the quirky back in. Life is good.
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So glad to hear you get to keep the quirky 🙂 After all, that’s the best part!
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So much quirky I would need a quirculator to give you an estimate. Sorry 3 hours ball prep with Tablet the teen age pill has left me light headed.
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Where we appreciate you being you.
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Thank you so much! It’s so nice to be appreciated and its just not going to happen if I rely on people that have met me, it spoils the illusion. (Self depreciating humour Aussie style only joking, there are people I have met in person that I can still fool into appreciating me).
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As long as you’re one of the ones appreciating you, all is well. 🙂
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