‘Where’s Chef Ramsay; Sebastian? I wanna watch food and yelling. What’s on your screen? Mummy’s bloggy thing. I remember, this is where I can post my brilliance and educate the masses. And get some well-deserved adulation!’
Where have I been? Do I hear you ask?
Well, I have been here, silly whomans! I’m always here. I’m not allowed out of the house in case I’m stolen because I am so beautiful. Or because I can’t tell when those big noisy cars are about to move. Why make something to sleep on that can squash handsome irreplaceable cats? I think it would be better if cars just stayed in the garage all the time and never rolled over cats. Then I could explore the garage.
I own the granny flat now, except at night. The granny finds me and puts me outside the white door. She said she didn’t trust me out of her sight and that I was too noisy! She is a very strange whoman! But I am the intrepid explorer and I will take the garage.
Oh, you mean; why haven’t I been sharing my brilliant thoughts with you poor whomans? You must have been so sad! Were you days bereft, your lives devoid of meaning? Seeing an aurora of scintillating talent; only to have it snatched away!
Well it’s Mummy’s fault!
She brokeded Sebastian, then she locked him away. And she never leaves her new puter where I can play with it. She is so bitterly twisted with jealousy of my blogging skill; it’s shameful. Don’t worry; she has been thoroughly bitten for her evil. Not that she seems to have learned her lesson, then again she’s only whoman; not a genius Burmese tiger blogger king, like me.
Anyway Sebastian has gotten a bit better just from his long rest. Yes the Daddy man promised to fix it; but he’s been busy sleeping and having concussions. But Sebastian is working and Cushion is watching Mummy so I’m back. You lucky, lucky people.
So what has been happening to your favourite Burmese Tiger?
Well! To start with I was injured!!! My beautiful eye was punched by the Evil She-Cat of Darkness; Echo. It swellded up a lot and bleeded; actual blood! I got lots of cuddles but when I looked in the mirror I couldn’t recognise the face staring back at me. One of my gorgeous eyes was swellded shut!
And I did absolutely nothing to Echo! I mean I helped her exercise; like I do everyday by chasing her around. I added excitement to her days by smacking her whenever she tried to sleep, so she would get up and move about and entertain me which she is fortunate to be allowed to do. And I help her with her diet by eating her food, ‘cept when a whoman sits next to her bowl and keeps pushing me away. The work I put in helping that grumpy old lady. And all I ask in return is to be groomed and all her treats. I am so generous, she is ungrateful!
Of course the dumb blonde in a fur suit Pixie; the Pixilated Princess tore my ear. I think I look like a pirate now. Still dashing and devastatingly charming, but a little rough, devil may care, tough guy; how do I get a 3 day growth, and a tattoo.
Besides Pixie was soooooo sorry! She was nice to me for weeks afterwards. And it was only an accident; it happened during a fun game of ‘Bite Ears’. We both loved that game, it was our special thing, but she has never played it again after the horrific injury to my magnificent appearance. I can’t let her off too easily, after all she has desecrated a masterpiece. But I magnanimously forgiveded her. She is a good girl cat, well at least as close as girl cats can get to good.
Echo on the other paw is so evil and unrepentant that when my eye healed and I was ready to generously forgive her & chase her around; she hit me in the eye again!
I was so angry I thought I would burst. So I was going to give that ancient harpy a good thumping.
Then Mummy grabbed me! I was incensed! She just rabbited on about ‘vet bills’ or something like that. I told her in no uncertain terms that I wanted to get down and show that Lamia Echo who was boss. But she ignored my wishes, MY wishes!
Well I gave her the scratching she deserved and a bite for good measure. And that dreadful woman held me by my neck and against a cushion. It was impossible to hit or even bite anyone. I was incandescent with rage.
I had a complete hissy fit but she did not relent. And by the time I got away Echo had escaped my righteous wrath.
Just thinking about this travesty of justice has made me so angry I can no longer type.
I am going to find Echo or Mummy, and I am going to bite them, really, really hard.
An extremely angry but still unfathomably handsome Burmese Tiger Prince.
Orion the Star Borned.