I have been talking to lots of real humans lately. So at the moment I feel like a juggler whose thrown a dozen eggs in the air, I have realised that having lost sight of them I will not be able to catch them and I am just waiting for them to splatter before I can start trying to wipe egg off my face.
The real problem is I’ve been talking to people I really like. I hate liking people, it puts me under far more pressure to be unterrifying because I want to see them again or at least not leave them scarred.
First and foremost I have a crazed stalker fan like crush thingamee on a real author; Lee Battersby. I haven’t read his books; terrible but typical of me at the moment, and I don’t know if I want to, because I think they may be scary. A well written scary story is terrifying and then I won’t sleep and I will get more anxious. I do not know if I could physically cope with any more anxiety. My psychologist has said I will start to physically deteriorate if I keep at the same level of anxiety. So what would happen if more was added? I had better stop this line of thought, not an experiment a responsible carer of 5 vulnerable lunatics should get involved in. But still, I wonder…
Any way how can I have a crazed stalker fan thing if I haven’t read his books? I checked out his blog. He was going to run a workshop and I have learned previously that sensible humans always prepare for such things by doing some research. Who knew you could cram for social situations?
Just an aside, I know from me not what you’d expect, researching and studying for social situations is something I have done for a long time. As a child I tried to understand humans by researching TV. As a teen I read body language books and self help stuff like ‘Games People Play’. As a young adult I studied Psychology, Anthropology, Archaeology, Linguistics, Education and Religion. Insanity precluded the successful completion of any of these qualifications. But at least it taught me something about the way humans interact. Only joking; none of it works! There is a level of social bonding/communication that is so instinctive that it never makes it into any of these books or courses. I can read the body language of a human and tell things about them that few people could guess, but there are big chunks of communication that flows easily amongst a group of humans that completely flummoxes me. You break the rules, but you all seem to follow each other. Is this some big bloody conspiracy? Do neurotypicals hear that an autistic person is coming and agree before hand what body language and common etiquette rules they are going to completely ignore and then make up some fake ones? How do you all remember? I’ve seen you trying to grasp fairly simple mathematical & logic principles and I find it hard to believe you could all remember anything that complicated. Sorry I’m in a mood.
But I decided to do some research and as I didn’t have enough time for some shop on the internet to send me a book I decided to look at his website.
OMG I felt like I had met a fellow of my soul circle. This guy was fantastic. Oh no! I had agreed to go to a literary dinner where he was presenting. Oh no, amongst all the other horrors of being in public I was going to have to spend the entire evening stopping myself from talking to this hero. I will add a link to his riveting blog here but if he follows it back and reads this stuff I am never going to forgive you guys: Lee Battersby.
More rubbish on this topic coming soon in Part 2.