My Evil Owner by Charles Holt Cavalier

Mummy is talking to Daddy again, I’m pretty sure they talked without me 2 weeks ago so I don’t know why they are doing this.  They tried to talk on the couch and I wedged my delicate nose between them and pushed with all my might.  And do you know what those heartless creatures did?  They resisted; they ignored my sovereign demands.

If you haven’t realised yet; after all you are deluded enough to read my mother’s blog, I am a Cavalier King Charles Spaniel.  I am surrounded by strange creatures; dogs, cats, hoppies, ratties, flappies and wet pets.  We even have a wet pet with legs.  Of course I love them all, and they do their best to amuse me.  My delicate sensibilities are not up to all their noise and shenanigans.  And they touch MY mummy!  She is easily distracted and must be constantly supervised.

 

Which brings me back to my point; until I cried piteously they didn’t separate and let me sit between them.  Aren’t they terrible?  I know you agree.

And they let the little things; smaller humans although they aren’t now,  smaller that is, I believe they are still human although one claims to be a merfairy and the other says she is an alwasrite, pick me up.  They just hoist me into the air when I am comfy and don’t want to go somewhere.  They have no reverence for my importance, none!

Just tonight my own Mummy refused to let me eat her dinner.  She is so cruel she almost never gives me more than half her food, no matter how much I beg.  And tonight she had TakeAway, so called; obviously, because you take it away from your precious, starving spaniel.  She claims that it’s too spicy for me and will ‘upset my delicate little tummy!’  She’s lying, she is a bad person; she is just greedy and eats up all her dinner by herself.  And Daddy calls me a piggywig!

For lunch she had two sandwiches, two whole sandwiches.  And how much did she give her beloved spaniel;  only slightly more than half of one sandwich.  Unbelievable isn’t it?  She wasted some on the dog; really should dogs be eating people food!  People food is for people; you know spaniels and to a lesser extent humans.  And she wasted some silverside on the kitten.  A CAT!  I could have cried, actually I did cry and I pushed Orion with my nose.  But he didn’t give up his silverside, the big bully stared at me until I gave up.  Although at least I salvaged some of the terrier’s bread.

Then while I was busy stealing lunch from the kids, Mummy let Orion steal the doggy bed.  She knows I move between my beloved pink unicorn and the doggy bed and I don’t like the pets on either of them.

Mid afternoon that woman; she, previously referred to as Mummy, was eating a chocolate rabbit from Easter.  The worst day of the year!  You know  food all over the place and none for ME, Mummy & Daddy take all the kids and have lunch with the dog haters (Daddy’s parents) although I do get scones and jam and cream in the afternoon with Grandma.   Although Mummy wastes some on the terriers, again dogs getting people food, and Daddy tries to stop Mummy from feeding me.  That man has a serious jealousy problem!

 

Anyway I knew from previous experience that she was going to hog the whole thing.  She claims that chocolate is bad for me, but then she says it’s bad for dogs.  Even she, Queen of lies, can’t keep the story straight.  So in my great and majestic wisdom; realising that begging would not work I had only one course of action.  I jumped up on Mummy’s chest and tried to snatch the chocolate.  She not only stopped me, the evil, greedy piggy,  but she told the visitor what I’d done, and she glared at ME and used a harsh voice.

 

This was the final straw!  My munificence can only stretch so far!  I thought we had this settled last night!

Last night I had a great plan!  There was no thunder so obviously there was no need for Daddy to crowd up our bed.  I’ve tried to be reasonable; but how can I sleep?  I need to constantly be alert that Daddy doesn’t accidentally touch Mummy.  I, of course, separate them, but he’s tricky!  So I decided to lick his part of the bed, he hates that especially in winter.  So he would trot off to his couch like a good boy and I could relax.  Mummy grabbed me, at first I believed she just couldn’t resist cuddling me, who could blame her.  But then I realised she was conspiring with Him, to thwart my brilliant plan.  So I wiggled and I yipped and she ignored me long enough to let him lie down.

She let me go and was not even contrite.  They actually laughed!  I know you are appalled too.  I would have called the RSPCA but I don’t know if they handle spaniels, I think they may only look after pets.  There was no way I was going to just let it go.  I did not get under the blanket.  I got completely off the bed.  Those naughty humans didn’t even come after me.  Unfortunately it was too cold to punish them properly and I got back into bed.  Mummy unrepentant still, did not lift the blanket for me.  Well two can play at that game, I did not ‘ask nicely’ I froze and cried.

And I won!  She gave in, she lifted up the blanket, she asked nicely and I deigned to come in.  She cuddled me a little, she said it was because I was cold, but I know she was apologising.  I was King again!  I even heard them both admit it.

Yet less than a day later and she is up to her disobedient tricks again.  Well if I can’t have chocolate and Takeaway, she can’t languish in the love of her spaniel.  I am ignoring her!  And I have stolen her computer too!  She spends too much time on it anyway!

yours in majestic benevolence,

Charles,

Cavalier KING Charles Spaniel.