First to all my caring followers I am absolutely fine, and so is the rest of the family. But I think its important to disseminate information about autism including subjective experiences. One day a really smart person will collect all these little tidbits and who knows what will & won’t be useful in the final analysis.
So, I am still relapsed. I went to my in-laws place this morning and hid with my hands over my eyes until I could get over the shrill noises the kids made greeting each other. Later I slurred my speech and almost cried.
I am okay with my current state now that I know it is not adversely effecting the neurofeedback. My mind has been sharpened but not enough to deal with my life. But I’ve been worse before and I survived. I’m of course going to try and minimise the damage to myself & others, but I know there is light at the end of the tunnel and a new therapy to start.
I sound so up don’t I? That’s one of the problems with my form of autism; I am so out of touch with my emotions that sitting here with a headache, heartburn and light sensitivity I must be stressed but I don’t feel it; except by guessing based on my physical symptoms.
Symptoms of my current relapse are an increase of incidents like melt downs and silent paralysis. I am crying more often and stimming a lot; including quite strong, painful spasms of the neck that can happen when I’m asleep (they wake me up). My regular headache is worse than a few months ago and I am having nausea, heartburn and I’m living on Imodium. I’m more clumsy. I am having more frequent attacks of hyper sensitivity to light and sound. I’m always a little light and sound sensitive; but to give you an example in a room that was dimly lit with my eyes closed and my hands over my eyes it was still bright enough to be painful. Side note if you put your hands over your eyes with your thumbs in your eye sockets the light seems to increase; possibly pressure on the optic nerves.
You know how my youngest daughter is dyslexic as well as autistic, and m 2nd eldest & I read by swirling the words on the page so they go into our minds in clumps. I don’t know how it works, I only found out it was unusual when I asked a therapist to teach Tash because reading in straight lines gives me a headache. Well with my increased stress my reading & writing are effected. When I’m at my worst 1 or 2 hours a day the words swirl wrong, my headache intensifies and I can’t work out what anything means.
So between my extra sleeping and these not reading hours I am getting so much less work done. And I can’t read posts as much.
Meanwhile Gavin is self harming and stress sleeping so I can’t put anymore pressure on him. Cat was doing well until she had to attend a random medical check at Centrelink. Alex is out of her tiny mind and wants to spend more time with me; lying on me, gripping my arm, triggering me. Tabitha has hit a wall with her stress; the Holocaust, World War 2, Teen suicide/self-harming as school subjects and year 10 exams around the corner. I am very concerned she may do something drastic if she’s not watched. And to top it all Natasha’s being bullied. She was sent home because she lost her temper, faced down her bully and swore in class, but not as a punishment. The teacher (substitute) was very open that Tash was provoked until she broke, besides she didn’t hit him. But then she shouted at some sympathetic kids when the bully had a second go. It had been going on for ages (for lots of kids) but it intensified this week and boom.
There is Natasha’s birthday, possibly a party, exams, the Summer Music concert, the Drama performance (in a new venue that terrifies me), end of Drama, end of Writer’s Club, end of school, Award night and then Christmas. So I don’t think anyone’s stress level is going down in the near future.
Wait I forgot the big one, we have the interviews for next year’s National Disability Insurance. Where we have to justify our right to live, explain why we failed to meet our goals and beg for therapy and support for the next year. It is a nightmare that strips away any delusions I may have that I am anything other than a worthless parasite who lives on Government handouts. This is done with politeness; in fact if I use non PC jargon about myself I am corrected. But its humiliating and the rules governing what is and isn’t covered is a constantly changing bureaucratic maze.
Therapists have convinced Cat she should attend her own review. It is humiliating and stressful but I’m accused of being controlling. But who is going to have to stay up nights comforting Cat & deal with her sisters after she lashes out at them. We are already doing their chores.
Whinge fest over.
Okay so Cat as usual asks “Who’s your favourite daughter?” She’s only a little girl and needs Mummy and Daddy’s reassurance (maybe next March when she turns 24 she’ll grow up). So I answered her; as always, with thoughtful honesty.
“Pixie!” I said.
“Naughty mummy!” she replied. “Naughty, naughty, you are a bad mum!”
So I turned to my husband and pointed out “Cherise keeps running off to Grandma, and Pixie is being more affectionate than Echo at the moment!”
He of course had to agree that I was completely right and we both looked at Cat who continued to abuse us and flick at us.
“Pixie doesn’t call me naughty!” I reminded her and her father concurred.
Yet this had no impact, to be fair she doesn’t respond to logic, maybe 23 years old is to young to expect rational thought.
Eventually she tired of torturing us and ran off, probably to cry to her grandmother. Wait, she wouldn’t do that again, Grandma doesn’t realise what an insecure little princess she is and told her off last time. I wonder where she went.
Anyway the important thing is; sometimes it is very difficult to work out which is my favourite daughter. The rats, rabbits and birds are all male. Most of the fish that are visibly gender differentiated are male. The axolotl has a male name. That only leaves the 4 humans (who are all demon spawn) 1 dog and 2 cats. Some days they are all so badly behaved I have to nominate a random worm.