Neurofeedback gave my life clarity, it enabled me to write. I thought my life was finally going somewhere. I have being doing things I haven’t done in years, I’ve been doing things I’ve never done. I was shocked at my lack of anxiety and how much I was getting done.
I had a melt down last week. I had a panic attack on Friday. I have been sleeping extra and playing stupid video games. I am overwhelmed by my blog notifications and exhausted. I couldn’t cope today. I came home after school banking, Alex was supposed to be out with her support worker. We walked in and there they were on the couch. I couldn’t do anything; Gavin also reacted so he instantly removed himself so was unable to help. There was no room to move, my plans out the window. So I settled down to do what I could, I had to have conversations, Alex had a fight with her sister because Cat told her to leave me alone & she didn’t want to. Alex’s stupid game makes a seriously annoying noise at random intervals; so does Alex. I tried to convince Alex to go away; but no; Alex was having a bad day.
When Alex has a bad day she makes sure she is a priority. She is the only one that can’t hold herself together enough to help anyone else. She reacted the worst to the death, she reacts worse to everything. So Alex needs the most care. Do I sound jealous? Yeah I am, my head hurts, chest is burning & I am jealous of my own child. So add guilt to the mix.
Alex gets priority because she is the most likely to self destruct for little reason and she takes the longest to recover. Gavin’s next, he faints so if you want him awake you don’t let him be upset. He is the only one that can’t be carried so he can’t go anywhere upsetting. Cat explodes at random; she might do something serious. Tabitha goes silent and stiff and won’t even attempt things she doesn’t want to. Natasha stacks on an act because she is the least looked after.
I’m the only one who actually tries to push forward. I don’t know how to cope.
After an hour pushing a piece of metal quietly into my arm, I couldn’t take it any more. I went to my bed but I felt exposed so I took a pillow into the Walk in Robe. I cried and pushed into my face and arms with teeth, nails, and my piece of metal. My support worker arrived I couldn’t move, Gavin found me I couldn’t move, he pulled me around, took away my metal and finally pulled me up. I sat for a while & limped to my support worker, drank coffee and continued my day, shaky, teary & nauseous.
Gavin collapsed that afternoon, alone I worked myself up into a crying mess. I got little done, everything is building up.
So what is happening is the relapse temporary or was the improvement?
What the hell is wrong with me? That’s assuming this is not me reverting back to the way I was, because that is the way I’ve been for years. I think I’m pushing myself to hard, but in what direction? I don’t know what to do!
I have so man things I need to decide for my bloody family, nothing else can be a priority. I can’t calm down, I’m handling the kids badly because I’m so on edge. So what do I give up?