I’m A Little Scared

Neurofeedback gave my life clarity, it enabled me to write.  I thought my life was finally going somewhere.  I have being doing things I haven’t done in years, I’ve been doing things I’ve never done.  I was shocked at my lack of anxiety and how much I was getting done.

I had a melt down last week.  I had a panic attack on Friday.  I have been sleeping extra and playing stupid video games.  I am overwhelmed by my blog notifications and exhausted.  I couldn’t cope today.  I came home after school banking, Alex was supposed to be out with her support worker.  We walked in and there they were on the couch.  I couldn’t do anything; Gavin also reacted so he instantly removed himself so was unable to help.  There was no room to move, my plans out the window.  So I settled down to do what I could, I had to have conversations, Alex had a fight with her sister because Cat told her to leave me alone & she didn’t want to.  Alex’s stupid game makes a seriously annoying noise at random intervals; so does Alex.  I tried to convince Alex to go away; but no; Alex was having a bad day.

When Alex has a bad day she makes sure she is a priority.  She is the only one that can’t hold herself together enough to help anyone else.  She reacted the worst to the death, she reacts worse to everything.  So Alex needs the most care.  Do I sound jealous?  Yeah I am, my head hurts, chest is burning & I am jealous of my own child.  So add guilt to the mix.

grass snake close-up
grass snake close-up

Alex gets priority because she is the most likely to self destruct for little reason and she takes the longest to recover.  Gavin’s next, he faints so if you want him awake you don’t let him be upset.  He is the only one that can’t be carried so he can’t go anywhere upsetting.  Cat explodes at random; she might do something serious.  Tabitha goes silent and stiff and won’t even attempt things she doesn’t want to.  Natasha stacks on an act because she is the least looked after.

I’m the only one who actually tries to push forward.  I don’t know how to cope.

butterflies-and-bird_g14z_wyu

After an hour pushing a piece of metal quietly into my arm, I couldn’t take it any more.  I went to my bed but I felt exposed so I took a pillow into the Walk in Robe.  I cried and pushed into my face and arms with teeth, nails, and my piece of metal.  My support worker arrived I couldn’t move, Gavin found me I couldn’t move, he pulled me around, took away my metal and finally pulled me up.  I sat for a while & limped to my support worker, drank coffee and continued my day, shaky, teary & nauseous.

Gavin collapsed that afternoon, alone I worked myself up into a crying mess.  I got little done, everything is building up.

butterfly
close up of a butterfly

So what is happening is the relapse temporary or was the improvement?

Castle
Digital visualization of an castle

What the hell is wrong with me?  That’s assuming this is not me reverting back to the way I was, because that is the way I’ve been for years.  I think I’m pushing myself to hard, but in what direction?  I don’t know what to do!

I have so man things I need to decide for my bloody family, nothing else can be a priority.  I can’t calm down, I’m handling the kids badly because I’m so on edge.  So what do I give up?

butterfly
close up of a butterfly

 

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12 thoughts on “I’m A Little Scared

  1. Autism is not easy. My boys are both autistic and there were times when they were young that were very difficult. I never thought I’d get them through school, but both graduated. My oldest even went to college. As they’ve matured, things have gotten better. Hang in there, and try to make time for your own needs.

    Liked by 3 people

  2. All my respect and consideration for the way you manage the things. Please do not get panic. Everybody could get overwhelmed at some points in any circumstances. Life is made by these. Take your time. You really are doing a great job with your blog and this is an amazing tool.
    Have a great time ahead. Stay all blessed 🙂 ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Thank you so much. Years of crazy have taught me to talk, talk, talk and ask for help. If I keep talking I shouldn’t get too bad. But it is scary feeling you are losing your mind.
    Especially as it took so long to find it the first time, lol! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  4. My youngest has Asperger’s syndrome. It’s not too bad but sometimes he has some problems adapting to changes. He’s been a trooper and improved tremendously.
    I admire people like you. Lots of hugs!
    I am nominating you for the Three Days, Three Quotes Challenge. Hope you don’t mind 🙂
    Rules of the challenge:

    1.Three quote for three days.
    2.Three nominees each day(no repetition).
    3.Thank the person who nominated you.
    4.Inform the nominees.

    Liked by 2 people

  5. Cant offer much comfort or advice except to say someones thinking of ya, and turn off blog notifications. Period.

    Nobody minds if you take a day or two to reply to them. Save the comments up, then reply to people in lumps. It saves time and stops your devices beeping constantly with every new like and comment, of which you get an awful lot! Might help reduce the mental noise a bit. Did for me.

    Liked by 1 person

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