Neurodiversity & Other Disability Activism Scares Me

Every human being wants dignity, I get that.  I’d love a bit of dignity, but not at any price.

I don’t know about anyone else on the Autism Spectrum but I know what will happen to me if I stop being supported by the state, I would die; suicide, starvation, victim of crime, I don’t know.  But I do know that I’ve tried and failed to support myself.  I didn’t spend 25 years begging money from government agents because I had choices.  For  f#*% sake, if it had only been me I wouldn’t have bloody bothered.

My psychiatrist told me I was cured (I went back specifically to plan my first pregnancy, my husband had 2 jobs and we had a house (mortgaged but still).  But I wasn’t cured & my husband had a deep hidden flaw, I understood the flaw but I didn’t realise how bad the break would be, or that it would be permanent; after all I’d been cured.

I lived through those years, don’t tell me that I didn’t struggle, don’t tell me I’m just as good as the next person.  Keeping myself and my family alive is a bloody triumph.  I live with pain, confusion and hard work that I pray to God most people never have to go through.  Some people have it worse, I know that.  That has been used as a whip against my back for decades.

You know the story; don’t complain you are better off than most.  Try harder you are so lucky.

I have struggled against my own mind and my own senses.  I  have kept moving forward.  My parents struggled, my parents had a hell of a lot harder life without being in any way responsible or even able to change the negatives.  I feel bloody sorry for my parents.  I can feel bloody f@#%ing sorry for my parents, my family and myself.

And before someone says how dare you feel sorry for yourself; get the hell back on your feet and try harder.  I either say “I have a disability that is why I failed in the past,” is a way forward.  “You are fine, the way you are” means try harder and that leads no where good.

If we ask the world to stop feeling pity for poor little autistics what do we get?  We get respect and an even playing field.  Well I’ve tried running on that even playing field and I fell over repeatedly.  I can’t compete on an even playing field.If you can, good luck to you.

I think we people with Autism and its many delightful co-morbidities need help to survive.  If we are equal the normal people won’t help us.  Without help we will die.  For the sake of my children I will jump through hoops, I’ll be treated like a naughty child, I’ll be treated like I am a moron, I will humiliate myself in front of government agencies, therapists, educators and the general audience.

I have been debased & humiliated by behaviours & physical reactions that I couldn’t control.  I don’t give a damn about my reputation, I care about keeping my kids alive long enough to have a hope in hell of a life.

Don’t bug the normal people, all they have to do to destroy us, is just reduce their help.