Agoraphobia. Part 6 The End

Part 1          Part 5

Unfortunately it is difficult to push the little fledglings out if we won’t leave ourselves.  So, frankly, I am being forced into the horrible, ‘real’ world for the sake of my kids.  I hate maternal instinct.  And please realise I know that I am doing all this work so my children will learn to be normal at which point they will reject me for being weird.  Not only is the real word dangerous and hostile it is contagious.  Still I have to go out; recruit help, work with the outsiders, support my children and just go out randomly as an example to them.


Then it just gets worse, these professionals are just diabolical.  To truly combat agoraphobia you have to keep going out all the time, or it just comes creeping back in; seducing you with comfort, control and the complete lack of horribleness.


So the reward for going out into that cold heartless world is ‘drum roll please’  ‘da de da dah’  Going Out More!  And answering the dumb question “But you enjoyed that didn’t you?”  Yes on some level I enjoyed some aspects of that terrifying experience.  Yes I will probably do that again!  Enjoyment does come into the decision making process.  I do look for activities that reduce overstimulation or other stressors, or things that I enjoy aspects of that either compensate or even better distract from the pain and anxiety.  When I say I don’t like something I mean that the pain, nausea, dizziness or anxiety of doing the thing is sufficient to cause me harm without a proportional benefit.  I do things I don’t like all the time, I eat things I hate the taste of, I have had to cut so much out of my life that I can’t afford to cut anything that doesn’t do me damage based on personal preference.  Be careful a lot of people on the autism spectrum say they don’t like something when they actually mean that they are damaged by that thing.


As I constantly remind my stubborn family when making decisions you always have to put a big ‘we have to go somewhere/do something’ in the Pros column  and you are never allowed to put ‘I’d rather stay home’ in the cons.  In other words all potential outings should be compared to other potential outings not to the paradise of staying home.  But if you don’t mind don’t ask me, actually don’t ask any of us “But you enjoyed that didn’t you?”  Because I’ll tell you & you will not like it.


So in the vague faith that it is possibly important for the kids I leave my beloved home, and I make the 5 recalcitrant whiners leave too.  I put all my energy into these futile adventures.  I tell you what if at least one on my kids doesn’t end up a functional adult I’m going to be getting even with a lot of interfering professionals.  Or at least I would, if it didn’t involve leaving my house.


Published by autistsix

An autistic woman married to an autistic man trying to raise 4 autistic daughters in a neurotypical world

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