Agoraphobia. Part 3

Part 1        Part 2

You see there is nothing out there that is sufficient compensation for the fear, pain, confusion and humiliation.  Add to that my husband and our oldest two faint under stress, I become immobile, talk too indiscriminately and can’t eat/drink properly, they all have a tendency to wander and/or bolt.  None of us can understand a hint or hand signals, they even tend to ignore hands over their mouths or being physically pulled away.   I can’t predict random aggression or perceived violence, inappropriate conversation, removal of clothing or anything really!

I don’t want to be out in public!  My husband doesn’t want to be out in public!  Our kids do want to be out in public, but not today, maybe next week when everything miraculously gets better.  Even our pets don’t like us leaving the house!  Besides I can’t get the idea out of my head that something bad might happen while we are away and there is no one there to save the pets.  I can just hear them crying in pain and confusion!  Wondering why Mummy isn’t helping them!  I can hear them!  I can hear them every time I am out of the house.  I can also hear Mum’s emergency pager ringing because Mum has fallen and broken her hip.  There she is lying on the floor in a pool of blood, tears and spilt coffee, her life slowly ebbing away.  While I am out; not even particularly enjoying myself.

It’s not like I haven’t had phone calls of disaster while I’ve been out.  The time Gavin drove me to a committee meeting while the kids were having dinner; the eldest decided the second eldest was choking and chased her around the house hitting her & tackling her to the ground in an attempt to dislodge a non-existent blockage while the youngest two screamed.  Or the time the police came to check if my husband was safe because of something he wrote on a web forum and I was returning Mum’s computer (they were very nice but…).  Or when the eldest decided a Willy Wagtail (very small bird) had permanently mentally scarred the dog by swooping it and ran screaming into the house just about suffocating the poor mutt trying to comfort her while screaming down the phone to me; I was looking forward to seeing a large hawk in my own backyard until we got home and she pointed out the tiny bird.  Once we pried her off the dog she (the dog) trotted over to the window to look at the bird too; squashed but perfectly happy.

Part 4