An Issue of Trust

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Trust has always been difficult for me, its probably my autism again; but to be perfectly frank my mother hasn’t helped.  Not her fault but like many parents; myself definitely included, my mother has tried to protect me from possible harm.  I love her for it but I think she may be wrong this time.

I have always thought trust was more important than being hurt some times.  I say thought quite deliberately because I don’t feel trustful.

I act according to my thoughts if someone tells me a sad story and asks for help and I can afford it I help; this is not an invitation because frankly con men what I can afford at the moment is pitiful.  I reason that the risk of leaving someone without a way home or a drink is not worth the embarrassment of being fooled.

After all being tricked isn’t so bad, but is it?  This is why I don’t like haggling; I either can afford it or not, I don’t like the winner/loser aspect and I hate being thought a fool or weak, but I hate taking advantage most of all, for me there is no win for me in a haggle.

But it really hurts in my personal life.  I’ve been married 24 years, 4 kids, he waits on me hand & foot and buys me great presents all the time (extremely cheap or homemade but fantastic).  But I can’t help but feel its too good to be true, that right now he is planning a way out of this hell he finds himself in.  This is the person I am closest to on earth; & yet I still doubt him.

My autism doesn’t help, I’ve extensively studied body language and psychology, I can tell you things about the people around you that you would never guess!  But I have also learned there is something else going on.  In any group of neurotypical (normal) people there is communication going on that is not explained by verbal or body language and yet they all ‘get it’, I don’t.

So I know there are important messages I don’t get and that I am not able to convey to others that I am joking or upset properly.  I become talkative when anxious (you know like when I’m awake) and I don’t have the right boundaries, I don’t really understand them.  So this doesn’t help my confidence in social situations.

I also fall in love (in the close friendship sense) fast.  I have an incredible feeling of wanting to bond quickly with people I like, maybe I feel I have to impress them quickly before I do something stupid.  This has happened on this blog too.  I feel really drawn to a lot of the people I am communicating with.  Again friendship; I’m deliriously happy married to my perfect angel I’m just worried he’s not happy.

Now the crux of the problem; I have lost a lot of friends because I have been trying not to impose on them.  I don’t contact them in case I’m being pushy, I try not to take up to much of their time, I draw the boundaries to tight & they feel I’m pushing them away, I decide I’ve embarrassed myself & they now hate me & absent myself to save them the trouble.

Because politeness and being nice means there is no clear way to communicate ‘bug off weirdo’, so I assume it.  Some autistic people admittedly assume the opposite and can be really annoying to polite people who don’t know how easy it is to set perimeters with your autistic friend, say something calming, say exactly what you want, check f that works for them and negotiate until you are both happy; this is not done in our society as far as I can tell.

My mother feels that many bloggers are probably scammers.  So I’m feeling an agony of humiliation every time I comment on posts.  I think if I’m going to continue I need to because that’s what this is about.  And I don’t think I really mind being conned, but I live in fear of hurting people or annoying them.

I don’t know why I wrote all this, quite frankly I don’t know why I write a lot of things.  Maybe this will explain some of my interactions.  Please leave comments, real comments if you have them; I am more resilient than I sound with an honest criticism, and as I have said I have no real boundaries so I couldn’t care less if you break conventional polite limits.

I really love you guys, I have never reached so hard towards potential friends.  But as my husband would tell you, you can’t break my heart I don’t have one, and you can’t upset me, I have a cavalier.

Charlie 120

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24 thoughts on “An Issue of Trust

  1. Thank you! If you ever need anything for your grandson I know a lot of aspies & I’m well read on the subject. Thank you too for thinking I’m coherent. Yah for neurofeedback!

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  2. Oh honey! So much of what you wrote in this post resonates with me. I’m not autistic (at least I don’t think I am, or if I am it’s mild), but I would not be the least surprised to find out that I’m on the Asperger’s spectrum. (I know for a fact my dad and my aunt, his sister, are, and what I’ve read about autism does seem to describe the way I feel and act sometimes.) Please keep blogging. I enjoy your posts. And I’m not a scammer by any means. I’m just someone who signed up with WordPress because I wanted to put my thoughts out there, and it was too much of a pain to figure out how to constantly update my website. 😀

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  3. Such an honest & open post and it is always wonderful to get to know people better this way, so I value what you have written..It sounds like you have a lot of self-awareness and that is definetely a bonus, even if certain things scare you or make you uncomfortable. What a cute dog!

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    1. Thanks he’s a sweetie. The best way to survive autism is to learn a lot about yourself & be very open. I think the more people with disabilities or mental issues can be open to a receptive and open audience the sooner they can heal.

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  4. You have said out loud (or rather, online) what I often think in my head. As far as I know, I’m neurotypical, but after reading this I think either I’m on the spectrum or maybe you’re not as alone in your feelings as you think you are.

    I talk with a lot of people; I used to think my fears and anxieties (about whether people are too polite to tell me to shut up, for instance) were unique. I’ve learned that many people have those same worries. The nice thing about blogging: you and I can say anything, because people can either choose to read or they can click the little “x” to close the page.

    Keep saying everything you have to say. You’re not alone, I promise.

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    1. One of the difficulties is working out whether something is a symptom of autism, a symptom of a co-morbidity like anxiety, an unrelated illness or completely normal. And no one else really knows because autism affects sensory & mental processing so someone would have to be able to think & experience through another’s mind!
      Blogging is good, I originally suggested to people the could use “I’ll read your blog” as a method of shutting me up. But they took me seriously!
      Thanks for the support! 🙂

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  5. Don’t stop writing. You write beautifully. At the end of it all, what truly matters is you, and how you feel deep down within you. Your husband obviously loves you silly, don’t tell yourself its too good to be true. You both deserve all the happiness you an get from one another. He’s very happy with you, give him all the love he can get. Xoxo.

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  6. This is such a beautifully written piece. The honesty and openness is, positively, out-of-this-world. I am not autistic, and therefore have never had to deal with the exact circumstances you have. This post has made me so much more aware of inner feelings. You are making a difference, one post at a time. Your openness and being willing to share truly opens up minds to important matters. Thank you for sharing this; and please continue to share xoxo

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  7. I always look at your family photo because it makes me happy. Your husband, surrounded by all those beautiful women, looks like the richest and happiest man on the planet.

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    1. On that day he also had his beloved brother, gorgeous sister in law and fantastic nephews and we were working on a gift of love present for his parents anniversary. It was a beautiful day. My husband deserves all the happiness in the world because he is a wonderful man. Thank you!

      Liked by 1 person

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