My Website is Trying To Kill Me

The first in my new series Deranged Ramblings and no, smart alec, that is not a better title for my entire blog well it might be but … Shut up!

Okay I seem to be the tiniest bit OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder), well apparently it is a common co-morbidity with autism.  And I generally think OCD is an improvement on Autism without OCD; i.e. my kids the mud puppies who don’t even seem to want their rooms to be obsessively sorted and keep taking their toys out of the plastic sorting bags and putting them back WRONG.

It takes forever to get anything done; only 2500 of my books have been cataloged, assigned a code and labelled 10%, I can’t even count them because people keep reading them and because they aren’t labelled putting them away at random.  All but the 30 new DVDs are safely in my DVD catalog  & boxed in my system, 7213 DVD discs.  Each box has a pictorial reference to the genre for the days when reading is too stressful (not a joke written language is  often the first casualty of stress in our family).




But the 15 years of agoraphobic hording in a tiny hovel (when I was terrified of half the rooms anyway) left us with a lot of unsorted stuff & we’ve only been in the new house 3 years.  Why can’t my house be all sorted & nice, why is all cleaning a spiraling cacophony of where to start, stopping others interference and towering piles that keep falling over in the initial sorting process.  My head hurts and I need to have a little floor nap and when I wake up some ‘helpful’ person has moved the piles away and they won’t let  me start again because I haven’t been eating or drinking and maybe I look a little deranged.

Anyway enough about house house keeping on to website housekeeping.  Now this is my fault but at Blogging 101 KSP writer’s Centre she said we’d have months of no traffic to sort everything the way we wanted.  Then I got hits and likes straight away and my head grew to the size of a moderate blimp and OCD was squished out… Temporarily!  But now my website is defying my every attempt to sort it.

I like straight lines.  Probably because my way of thinking is so spirally, twisted & chaotic.  Keeping things in order is not as good as banging my head against things in clarifying my thoughts but apart from the forgetting to drink thing it has less long term impact.  I like lists and systems but only if they make sense.  For example alphabetic by titles does not allow for searching by genre.  I like to nicely separate things so they can be found by others, and put away.  I can’t use the Dewey Decimal System because it is expensive to buy and I’m busy buying weirder stuff.  I’m in the process of making my own system.

But chronological order for my website is absurd.  My posts like my thoughts are all over the place.  Anyway time is a continuum that may one day be completely discredited and then my posts would fall into an even more random mess, and some other stuff might happen like dinosaurs but surprise , surprise I digress.

I want the boxes on my homepage to be different sizes and the right colours and to sit precisely where I want them to be, it’s like I’m a guest in my own website but not in a good way because  there isn’t anyone else to blame the inaccuracies on.  Not that I blame other people I am completely aware that without access to all the useful ASD OCD stuff bubbling round my brain you poor people don’t know any better.

I want titles and links and all that sensible kind of stuff.  I want people to be able to choose between deranged ramblings, mean poetry, obsessive nit picking, demented reviews (I have some planned but that won’t be the title), bad attempts at fiction and honest, open personal stories where I use selective memory to take shots at my kids.  Then I could add sections about my insane religious theories & extreme political opinions safe in the knowledge that even the people that are sweet enough to read the rest of my rubbish won’t learn the depths of my insanities (yes I have more than one I’m special).

So I bought the upgrade thingy so I could be in more control and I’m less in control because  there is more computer/web stuff for me not to understand how to use.  I’ve lost my “Somewhere Over the Rainbow” hopes that it will all work when I buy the upgrade.  Now it might work better if I concentrate and explore, I hate that!

Help! What can I do?

Computers, websites, games both digital and board and humans have all been designed by crazy people who do not realize that chaos is unacceptable and begin immediately after any precise order is corrupted in any way.  Playability, spontaneity, human connectivity, bah humbug!  Straight implacable lines, order, rules, sensible stuff is what we need.

This is why I can’t play SIMs, Zoo, Animal Crossing or Pokemon anymore.  The gamemakers just don’t seem to understand order and lineal organisation to a sufficient level to allow me to gain the order I need from a game.  Apparently while trying to impose my own organisation to a game; that was not designed to conform to my unrealistic demands, I don’t pay attention to my kids, drink, eat, sleep and may develop minor injuries due to repetitive movement (joints, skin abrasions etc).

And realism, don’t talk to me about realism.  If I could cope with reality I wouldn’t hide from it all the time.  I currently have a lady from the Autism Association who comes twice a week to make me phone people and go scary places like my kitchen and garden.  I can make 20 minutes in either place in her company before the debilitating panic attack, I can’t reach the door/ pass the bench on my own (Shut up I’ve tried)

If I want chaos and disorganization all I have to do is walk into any of the rooms my husband has banned me from, blah blah blah your standards are too high you just shout a lot and then have a meltdown.  Bah, sometimes children need to be yelled at by a crying maniac kneeling on the floor holding their head so it doesn’t fall off, its bound to be character building.  Or I can talk to my kids and listen to them babble until my mind is lulled.

Darn, this was supposed to be short!  Sleepy now!  Nap time?  OMG banana cake!  Gotta go!


Published by autistsix

An autistic woman married to an autistic man trying to raise 4 autistic daughters in a neurotypical world

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